Puking Dog

Jesus Christ dumped from jury pool

 "Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful."  [Fox News]

2-year-old rushed to hospital after finding religion

Kind of... he fell into the baptismal pool while his parents were probably doing more important things than watching him.  [al.com]

Mom puts teen daughter in cardboard box on top of car

Don't worry, she secured he box with coat hangers.  [MSNBC.com]

87-year-old woman chases gang memeber with can of RAID

This dude had "CRIP FOR LIFE" life tattooed across the front of his neck and everything. RAID stops roaches.  [Beaumont Enterprise]

Black man tries to rob Asian market staffed by non-English speaking Hispanic

A failure to communicate... [Alabama.com]

Homeless dude arrested for spending the night at Kohl's

Store employees arriving for work were greeted by the sight of the guy walking about the store in a pink camisole and pink panties taken from the store’s racks... a special way to start your day!  [Joplin Globe]

How'd you like to wake up and find a crochet needle....

jammed all the way up in your... urethra.  Eek.  How do you not wake up before it was "all the way up?"  Alcohol must be involved... [News-Courier]

Man doesn't get a Christmas present so he...

sets his mobile home on fire.  Police say Lawrence Lee, 45 of Theodore, AL got drunk and then fired up his trailer because he didn't get any Christmas gifts... Larry "has given a couple different stories as to what happened," a fire investigator said... "The last time we asked, he said he fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand."  [Montgomery Advisor]

School locked down when redneck kid spotted shooting squirrels nearby

Hampton Cove middle and elementary (Alabama.. git git git) schools were locked down when a teenager with a shotgun was spotted nearby... apparently the kid was hunting breakfast squirrels... and doing his part to add to the stellar reputation that Alabama enjoys as one of the finest and most sophisticated states in the nation.  [AL.com]

Redneck shoots cat in the head with a crossbow

Stewie the cat has the misfortune of living in a trailer park in Alabama.  To add insult to injury (or vice versa, I guess), the poor beast got shot in the biscuit with a crossbow by a real live Alabammer red neck.  The good news is that Stewie is gonna be fine--the arrow missed his brain (so, don't send me any nasty emails about how I am insensitive for posting stories about small animals getting hurt).  Some folks at the Auburn University College of Veterinary Medicine yanked the arrow out after determining that it didn't hit anything important.  The surgery took “about two seconds,” according to an intern.  [Opelika-Auburn News]