Puking Dog

"Grandma, Mommy's been shot...Apri....."

 Grandma: "Hello, 911.  Send the swat team over!"  [WEWS.com]

Wear an inappropriate outfit to Easter dinner?

 That's a shootin' (in the head) offense.  [Columbus Dispatch]

Guy caught pooping in the wrong car...

 yeah... he thought it was his ex-girlfriend's car.  No word on why he'd want to bust in his ex's back seat.  [Las Cruces Sun]

Bank robbers try to phone in order for cash

 These superstars actually showed up at the bank to get the cash... got arrested instead. [CT Post]

"Attention Wal-Mart customers: All black people leave the store now."

 Amazing.  Cockery like this is what makes Wal-Mart Wal-Mart.  I guess if they hired rocket scientists to work there, they'd have to raise prices.  [Courier Online] 

3-year-old unclaimed for two days after birthday party

 Spent two days with the police because his folks apparently had better things to do.  All the poor kid could say was "pizza" and "ice cream."  [Macomb Daily]

Cops pay $100,000 for ripping out man's grill

 Yep.  Apparently, this superstar had the thing cemented to his chops.  [TENNESSEAN.com]

Grandpa accused of punching kids at Wal-Mart

 Police say this joker put keys between his fingers and punched random kids when their parents weren't looking.  [Columbus Dispatch]

Police say woman beats sister with a toilet tank lid

 Police found the victim with a cut on her... foot. Huh?  [Press-Citizen]

Teacher to students: If I get laid off, I'll....

 wait for it.... "Become and stripper and sell my eggs to pay the bills."  Ta-dah!  [Modesto Bee]

Six women hospitalized for getting cracks filled with caulk

 You can't make this stuff up.  Goos news is that they saved a ton of $... so far.  [NJ.com]

A shot to the sack and I'm to blame...

 That's his story and he's sticking to it.  Thanks, Chris! [Mercury News]

Man sues airline for not inspecting his scrotum

 Apparently, flight attendants do that where he is from?  [CNews]

Woman crashes car while shaving her crotch

 Her ex-boyfriend took the wheel from the passenger seat while she got rid of Gandalf's beard.  [Key West Citizen] 

Guy runs into a pole and survives.... not so fast, my friend!

 He apparently decided to lake a leak on a power line when he got out of the car.  Not a good idea.  [Seattle Times]

Woman gives husband a "Salt Lake Surprise"

 Definition of "Salt Lake Surprise":  Lead him to the basement, blindfold him, spin him around while counting to 100, then... beat him on the head with a hammer.  [Salt Lake Tribune]

5-year-old boy stabs 2-year-old sister in Detriot

 They learn 'em young up there in murder central.  One neighbor, who has four kids of her own, said it's hard to keep an eye on all them sperms runnin' 'round the house.  [ClickonDetroit]

Valentine's Day date at the Waffle House goes bad...

 when guy's former girlfriend busts in and beats him senseless with a high-heel shoe.  "Blood covered the floors" and the "tables were in a state of disarray," police said.  [Savannahnow.com]

Facing an 0-2 count, Mom connects with son on third swing

 She used the 'ol "I brought him in to this world, I can take him out" line as her defense when the police interviewed her....  [Observer-Reporter]

Farmer makes a half-mile-wide heart made of manure for his wife

 Stinky sweet.  [Albert Lea Tribune]

Jail cancels inmates' Netflix account

 Oh the humanity!  Where's my lawyer?  [Chicago Tribune]

Guy spends over a year creating National Lampoon's "family truckster"

 Keep an eye out for his ride in a Super Bowl commercial.  [Daily Herald]

Guy "pretends" to rob mom... she shoots him with a .357

 Police are questioning whether he was pretending.  Mommy wasn't!  [Journal Sentinel]

Sledding man injured after strapping rocket to his back

 2nd degree burns over 18% of his body.  BONUS: Footage from saucer scene included after the jump.  [MLive.com]

17 year old in trouble for "Drunk in Florida" Facebook photo

 Oh... she was sentenced a month earlier for killing her boyfriend while driving drunk. The sad part is this genius is gonna reproduce some day.   [Buffalo News]